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Wtorek, 07 Października, 2008, 23:02

87. Wyznanie Syriusza

Siedzieli¶my z Syriuszem w na kanapie pustego pokoju wspólnego Gryfindoru. Ju¿ zd±¿y³am mu opowiedzieæ, o wszystkich swoich podejrzeniach, o tym co mi siê nie podoba i proszê bardzo jaka by³a jego reakcja:
-Rory, Skarbie, dlaczego ty wszystko odbierasz tak osobi¶cie?- nie powiedzia³ ¿e mnie nie zdradza tylko dlaczego biorê wszystko do siebie.
-A jak mam to odbieraæ skoro ³apiesz przy mnie ci±gle zawiechê?
-Mam problemy, po prostu...- przytuli³ mnie, mia³a wra¿enie, ¿e w ten sposób chcia³ skoñczyæ tê rozmowê, ale ze mn± tak ³atwo mu nie pójdzie, nie tym razem.
-A kto ich nie ma? to ty ca³y czas twierdzisz, ze ich nie masz. Syriusz, mi mo¿esz o wszystkim powiedzieæ, wiesz o tym. Kocham ciê i jestem tu po to ¿eby ciê wspieraæ, kiedy ty masz problemy, tak samo jak ja zawsze mam wsparcie u ciebie.
-wiem.- pokiwa³ lekko g³ow±. No tak teraz mi bêdzie przytakiwa³…
-No to pozwolisz sobie pomoc?- mój g³os brzmia³ na zmartwiony, no ba ja siê nadal martwi³am.
-Nie dasz rady.- Powiedzia³, wypuszczaj±c mnie z objêæ i wlepiaj±c wzrok w pod³ogê. Czy tylko ja tutaj jestem optymistk±?
-Ale pozwól mi spróbowaæ. Ju¿ zak³adasz, ¿e nic ci nie pomogê. Bêdê wiedzia³a co ciê tak mêczy, mo¿e razem co¶ wymy¶limy, a czasem samo to ¿e siê o ty powie komu¶ bliskiemu pomaga.
Syriusz zamkn±³ oczy i przez kilka sekund trzyma³ siê za noc pomiêdzy oczami. Nie wiem czy on zbiera³ my¶li czy siê zastanawia³ co mi powiedzieæ, w kazdym razie nie zd±¿y³am tego rozgry¼æ, bo siê odezwa³, bardzo wyczerpuj±co:
-No dobrze.
-Wiêc…- jak to mówi± mugole? Trzeba kuæ ¿elazo póki gor±ce.
-Wiesz jak jest moja rodzina? Te ich pogl±dy, a mojej matki to ju¿ w ogóle.- pokiwa³am g³ow±, uwa¿nie go s³ucha³am.- Ona jest tak± zwolenniczk± Voldemorta...
-noi co z tego?- wypali³am.
-Jak to co z tego? Aurora! Ona przyobieca³a mu, ze odda mnie w jego szeregi. Tyle, ¿e ja nie mam zamiaru! Ona mnie zmusza, ale ja nie chcê, ja nie podzielam pogl±dów rodziny. Nie jestem Bell±, która jest jak moja matka. Nie jestem Regiem czy Narcyza, którymi mo¿na sterowaæ. Ja mam charakter i nie chcê walczyæ po stronie z³a. Ja chce z nim walczyæ z tymi chorymi ideami. Ca³y czas mnie drêczy tym, wysy³a do mnie sowy. Jak by³em w domu to non stop. „To dla ciebie najlepsza droga!” „To twoja powinno¶æ.” „Synu, b±d¼ godzien nazwiska.” „ Musisz, bo inaczej sprowadzisz na nas nieszczê¶cie.” Mam do¶æ! Ja nie chcê byæ s³ugusem Volda. Ja chcê byæ aurorem. Ja siê chyba urodzi³em w z³ej rodzinie, oni s± zepsuæ je¶li chodzi o czysto¶æ krwi, zw³aszcza matka, ona to mam wprost obsesjê. Ale ja nie mam, ja nie chcê…
-Wiem.-przytuli³am go, marudzi³ jak piêcioletnie dziecko, któremu nie chc± kupiæ lizaka, ale prawda by³a taka, ¿e Syriusz mia³ z tym wielki problem. To nie by³o tak bzdurne jak nie kupiony lizak. To by³o powa¿ne. W domu Blacków przez ca³e wakacje toczy³y siê rewolty miêdzy pani± Black, a jej starszym synem. Nie rozumia³a, ¿e jej syn nie podziela jej pogl±dów. Co ciekawsze, jemu mia³a to za z³e, ale ¿e jej przysz³a synowa, skromnie powiem ¿e ja, bynajmniej potencjalnie, te¿ ich nie podziela³a, zupe³nie jej nie wadzi³o. Najwa¿niejsze, dla niej by³o, ¿e jestem urocza i mam czyst± krew. A pogl±dy, có¿ jak bêdê mia³a Black po imieniu to bêdê i my¶leæ w ich sposób.
-Dlaczego ona mnie zmusza? Mam chyba prawo decydowaæ o w³asnym losie? No nie?
-Oczywi¶cie, ¿e masz. Skarbie- co ja mog³am zrobiæ, tylko mu przytakiwaæ, przecie¿, nie napiszê do jego matki „ty stara jêdzo, odwal siê od mojego Skarbka, on nie bêdzie ¶miercio¿erc±”- to jest twoje ¿ycie i to ty podejmujesz decyzje, ¿yjesz tak jak ty chcesz. Ona nie ma prawa, ani nie ma ¿adnych prawdziwych argumentów, by wymusiæ to na tobie…- stara³am siê ze wszystkich si³ umocniæ mojego ch³opaka w przekonaniu, ¿e ona go nie zmusi, ani nic.
-Cieszê siê, ¿e mam ciebie. Ty jeste¶ moim ¿yciem, wiesz?
-Nie przesadzaj.
-Nie przesadzam. Dla ciebie zyjê- u¶miechnê³am siê. -Nie wiem co bym zrobi³, gdyby ciebie mi zabrak³o.
-Przestañ.- wiedzia³am, ¿e zaczyna ju¿ swoje mi³osne wywody. On jest czasem kosmiczny.
-Z tob± chcê je dzieliæ i tylko ty mo¿esz decydowaæ ze mn± o moim ¿yciu. Wiesz?
-Wiem. Ty te¿ jeste¶ prawie ca³ym moim ¶wiatem.
-Jak to prawie?- jak ja lubiê siê z nim droczyæ Ma tak± fajn± mordkê jak siê irytuje.
-Bo czê¶æ to James,Lilka, Remy...
-no ale ja jestem wiêksz± czê¶ci±?
-Zdecydowanie.- poca³owa³am go, niech sobie ch³opak stres odreaguje.-A matk± siê nie przejmuj, zrozumie, ze jeste¶ doros³y i mo¿esz i¶æ w³asn± drog±...
-Mam nadziejê-chocia¿ widaæ by³o, ¿e ¶rednio w to wierzy..
-Tak bedzie...- Syriusz sie rozchmurzy³, przynajmniej wiedzia³am ju¿ co mu jest. Wiedzia³, ze ma we mnie oparcie. A ja stukniêta optymistka nie bra³am innej opcji pod uwagê. Prawda jest taka, ¿e na pewno siê jako¶ u³o¿y. Syrek jest uparty nie bêdzie ¶miercio¿erc±, bo on tego nie chce i ju¿. Ju¿ prêdziej zamorduje matkê, dla ¶wiêtego spokoju. Ale wiem, ze prêdzej czy pó¼niej i ona da mu spokój, zrozumie w koñcu, ¿e nie zmusi go, nie jego.
-A powiedz mi za co siê przebieramy na ten bal?- zmieni³ temat, mo¿e i dobrze, bo ciê¿ko siê rozmawia³o na ten poprzedni.
-A nie mysla³am jeszcze o tym.- nie mia³±m g³owy, bo siê tob± deklu martwi³am.
-No to musimy pomy¶leæ. Zosta³ nam tylko tydzieñ.
-Wiem, ale nie mam pomys³u...- no fakt nie mia³am, po za tym, ¿e to mia³o byæpowalaj±ce pomys³u nie mia³am.
-a wiesz za co siê przebiera James z Lilka?
-Nie... no ja te¿ nie, ale podobno ma byæ masakrycznie...
-ale masakrycznie, ¼le czy tak smiesznie?
-Chyba to drugie, ale z nim to nigdy nie wiadomo...
-Wiem. Podejrzewam, ¿e dowiemy siê dopiero na balu, za co siê przebierze
-Pewnie tak....

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