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Poniedziałek, 23 Sierpnia, 2010, 04:55

40. GNIEW.

Kr�tkie, wedle niekt�rych zapewne przesadzone.
Napisane dopiero co przy "Gniew" 52 D�biec.
Musia�am si� wy�y�. I dodaj�.

Nienawidz� tego cz�owieka. Wiem, �e mo�e brzmie� to dziwnie, skoro m�wi� o swoim ojcu - ale to jest pewne. Nienawidz� go.
Dr��c od gniewu siedzia�em na ��ku w swoim pokoju, nie b�d�c w stanie powstrzyma� dygotania d�oni.
By�em z�y, w�ciek�y!
"Id� na g�r�, bo ci przypier...!!! Jeszcze b�dziesz mi si� tu stawia�, g�wniarzu jeb***!!!".
Taaak, s�ysza�em, jak bardzo mnie kochasz, tatku... Ja ciebie te�. Ja ciebie te� straszliwie kocham! Tak jak ty mnie... Gdybym nie wiedzia�, �e m�wisz serio, pewnie bym ola� te s�owa i dalej si� z tob� wyk��ca�.
O, nie. Ju� kiedy� dosta�em za niepos�usze�stwo.
Niepos�usze�stwo w tym domu jest karane.
Taaak? �wietnie... �wietnie.
Ja ci dam, cholera, u�o�onego kijem od dziecka synka... Jeszcze zobaczysz.

Z samego rana wyszed� z domu, z hukiem zamykaj�c drzwi. Specjalnie trzasn�� nimi najg�o�niej jak m�g�.
Wszak o trzaskanie drzwiami poprzedniego wieczora rozesz�a si� ca�a k��tnia.
- G�wno wiedzia� kto trzasn�� i si� do mnie sapa� od razu... - warcza� pod nosem, na nowo czuj�c z�o��. - Stary imbecyl, trute� niedorobiony... - Splun��, wpychaj�c r�ce do kieszeni. - Ju�, psia ma�, kl�� nie b�d�...
Skr�ci� gwa�townie, mijaj�c bram� parku. Opad� ci�ko na �awk�, zagryzaj�c warg�.
Si�gn�� do kieszeni, wyjmuj�c z kieszeni zabran� ze sto�u w salonie napocz�t� paczk� papieros�w. Si�gn�� g��biej, wyci�gaj�c jeszcze zapalnicz�.
Wyj�� z pude�ka jednego papierosa, chowaj�c opakowanie.
Wpatrywa� si� w trzymane w d�oniach przedmioty.
- Gniew... - mrukn��. - Gromadzisz go w sobie i spijasz... Niszczy, pali, zabija...
Wsun�� papieros mi�dzy wargi, przysuwaj�c do jego ko�ca zapalniczk�. Poruszy� kciukiem, rozpalaj�c iskr�. Zaskoczy� p�omie�, �arz�c bibu�k� i tyto�.
Wci�gn�� powietrze razem z dymem do p�uc. Zakrztusi� si�, ledwo unikaj�c wyplucia papierosa na ziemi�. Odsun�� go od twarzy, kaszl�c w r�kaw.
- Ohyda... - burkn��. Ponownie obj�� go pe�nymi wargami.
Nadal lekko pokas�uj�c, zaci�gn�� si� po raz kolejny.
Zn�w zani�s� si� kaszlem.
Do domu nie wraca� przez ca�y dzie�. Wiedzia�, �e to skutecznie zdenerwuje jego rodzic�w.
Zatrzasn�� za sob� drzwi.
- Synu! - zagrzmia� Orion.
Na twarzy Syriusza pojawi� si� ob�udny u�mieszek.
Wolnym, zblazowanym krokiem wszed� do salonu, sk�d dobieg� jego uszu krzyk. Stan�� w przej�ciu lekkim rozkrokiem, krzy�uj�c d�onie na piersi, przechylaj�c g�ow�.
- Co to za pos... Niewa�ne. Gdzie by�e� przez ca�y dzie�?!
- Ano to tu, to tam... - Poruszy� szcz�k�, jakby �u� gum�.
Orion wsta�, pochodz�c bli�ej do syna. Zmarszczy� nos, kiedy sta� przed nim.
Czu� od niego kipy.
Podni�s� r�k�, wymierzaj�c mu siarczysty policzek.
- Jak �miesz, szczeniaku?! Uciekasz z domu bez s�owa na ca�y dzie�, palisz jak jaki�... Jaki�...
Z�o�� odebra�a mu g�os.
- Zawsze m�wi�e�, �e nale�y bra� z ciebie przyk�ad, tatku... - sykn��, zaciskaj�c z�by przez piek�cy b�l policzka.
Orion zmru�y� oczy, podnosz�c wskazuj�cy palec.
- Nie pyskuj!
Zadar� g�ow�.
- Nie pyskuj? Nie pyskuj! - Zani�s� si� dono�nym �miechem. - A to dobre!
Black odwr�ci� si�, zaczynaj�c zaciekle masowa� skronie.
- Spokojnie... Spokojnie... - mamrota� do siebie.
Za Syriuszem pojawi�a si� Walburga.
- Jeste� wreszcie - prychn�a.
Wywr�ci� oczami.
- Tak, widz�, �e t�sknili�cie...
Pani Black popatrzy�a na swojego m�a, czuj�c, �e robi si� jej gor�co w okolicach ko�nierzyka.
By� �miertelnie blady na twarzy, drga� mu policzek, a zamiast s��w z jego ust wyp�ywa�o ciche warczenie.
Nabra�a powietrza, kieruj�c si� do Syriusza, kt�ry z wyra�nym rozbawieniem, pod kt�rym czai�a si� nutka strachu, wpatrywa� si� w Oriona.
- Do takiego stanu doprowadzi� ojca... Czy ty nie masz �adnych uczu�? - zapyta�a z wyrzutem. - No nie masz?!
- Mam - odpar� dobitnie Syriusz. - Gniew.
Kobieta wyprostowa�a si�, przymru�aj�c oczy.
- Ach tak - szepn�a. - Id� do siebie - powiedzia�a spokojnym, mi�kkim tonem.
Zmarszczy� czo�o.
- Co?
- Dok�adnie to, co us�ysza�e�. Id� do siebie i zr�b ze sob� to, co uwa�asz za s�uszne.

Takiego obrotu spraw si� nie spodziewa�em.
Gdzie z�o��? Gdzie GNIEW, do cholery?!
Zacisn��em pi�ci, przymru�aj�c oczy w spos�b identyczny, co moja matka. Odwr�ci�em si� na pi�cie i odszed�em na g�r�, do pokoju.
G�o�no tupi�c pokona�em schody, docieraj�c do drzwi swojego pokoju.
Zszokowany zaistnia�� sytuacj�, nawet nimi nie trzasn��em.
Usiad�em na ��ku, kompletnie tego wszystkiego nie rozumiej�c.
Chcia�em ich wkurzy�, w�ciec, pokaza�, �e ja te� potrafi�...
A tu spok�j?...
Nie rozumiem tego.
Zagryz�em warg�, marszcz�c czo�o.
- Nie rozumiem, cholera... - szepn��em.
Zignorowa�em tr�caj�cy mnie nos Zahuna, odpychaj�c go od siebie niecierpliwym ruchem d�oni.
Siedzia�em tak przez chwil�, nim wsta�em, kieruj�c si� do drzwi.
Chcia�em si� wyk�pa�, by�em brudny i w�ciekle g�odny. Ca�y dzie� nic nie jad�em, by�o mi wr�cz niedobrze.
Dotar�em do �azienki, wchodz�c do �rodka. Zamkn��em drzwi i zrzuci�em z siebie ubranie. Wszed�em pod prysznic, puszczaj�c na siebie zimny strumie�.
O co tu, do cholery, si� rozchodzi?...
Reakcj� na akcj� powinna by� kolejna akcja! Dlaczego jej zabrak�o?!...
Niemo�liwe, �eby si� nie wkurzyli. Widzia�em, �e byli na mnie �li.
Wi�c sk�d ten nag�y spok�j?!...
W milczeniu si� wyk�pa�em, wytar�em i owini�ty w r�cznik przemkn��em do pokoju. Naci�gn��em ciemne jeansy i koszul�. Za�o�y�em skarpetki.
Tkni�ty nag�ym pomys�em, wyszed�em z pokoju. Na palcach, korzystaj�c z braku obuwia, skrada�em si� na d�.
Z gabinetu ojca nie dobiega� �aden d�wi�k.
Identyczna sytuacja z salonem.
Co do?...
Zszed�em ni�ej, na sam d� - pod drzwi kuchni.
- Bingo... - szepn��em do siebie, s�ysz�c ich g�osy.
- ...Orionie, musisz by� spokojny. Pami�taj.
- Spokojny?!
�ci�gn��em brwi, przyciskaj�c ucho do dziurki na klucz.
- Nie reaguj. Jemu w�a�nie o to chodzi. S�ysza�e�? "Mam. Gniew".
- ...Prosz�?
- Dobrze wiesz, o co mi chodzi. Sam pewnie nie raz stosowa�e� t� metod�.
- Stosowa�em.
- Co pomaga�o? - zapyta� g�os matki z lekkim triumfem.
- Ignorancja.
Zamar�em.
Przejrza�a mnie?... Tak szybko, cholera?!
Zagryz�em warg�.
B�d� musia� udawa�, �e nic nie wiem... Dalej stara� si� ich wyprowadzi� z r�wnowagi w mi�dzyczasie staraj�c si� wymy�li� co� innego.
Wszed�em do �rodka, �e niby nic nie s�ysza�em.
- Matka kaza�a ci i�� do pokoju...
- I zrobi� ze sob�, co uwa�am za s�uszne. Jestem g�odny.
Pokr�ci� g�ow�.
- Id� do siebie.
Zatrzyma�em si�, mierz�c go wzrokiem.
- Chc� je��!
- Kolacja ju� by�a. Musisz poczeka� do �niadania - o�wieci� mnie.
Poczu�em autentyczn� z�o��.
- Oczadzia�e�?! - rykn��em. - Jestem g�odny!
- Id� do siebie - powiedzia� spokojnie.
Ramiona same mi opad�y. Poczu�em si�... Bezsilny. Tak po prostu.
Zgrzytn��em z�bami, odwracaj�c si� i wychodz�c.
�o��dek skr�ca� mi si� i szarpa� bole�nie, irytuj�co wci�� mnie u�wiadamiaj�c, �e jedyne co ca�y dzie� mia�em w ustach, to pety.
Czuj�c w sobie now� dawk� z�o�ci, siekn��em drzwiami z ca�ej si�y, a� zadzwoni�o.
- Szlag by was oboje! - krzykn��em, wymierzaj�c kopniaka w kufer.
Zawy�em, czuj�c piek�cy b�l stopy.
- Cholera, cholera, cholera, cholera...!!! - Zacisn��em wargi w ciup, by nie wywrzeszcze� ostrzejszych wyra�e�.
Rzuci�em si� na ��ko, atakuj�c poduch�.
- Aaaaaaaagh! Nienawidz� waaaas! - wrzasn��em, zaczynaj�c ok�ada� poduszk�.
Przesta�em po jakich� dw�ch minutach, ci�ko dysz�c.
Do b�lu stopy dosz�o t�pe pulsowanie w skroniach.
Zacisn��em dr��ce wargi.
Nie, to g�upie...
Spojrza�em jakby mimowolnie na szaf�.
Odwr�ci�em wzrok.
Nie, do cholery, jestem prawie doros�y, to jest beznadziejny pomys�!...
Prawie...
Ale nie jestem ju� dzieckiem. Wyros�em z tego.
Wsta�em i ku�tykaj�c podszed�em do mebla. Otworzy�em r�cznie zdobione drzwi, pochylaj�c si�. Wyj��em tekturowe, szare pude�ko.
- To beznadziejny pomys� - sykn��em do siebie karc�co. W g�owie zapali�a mi si� �wieczka - Przecie� mam Zahuna!...
Obejrza�em si� na drzwi. Ponownie spojrza�em na pude�ko, maj�c zamiar je od�o�y�.
Podskoczy�em, gdy wej�cie otwar�o si� na o�cie�.
Ojciec. Ze smycz�?...
Patrzy�em na niego z bu�czucznym wyrazem twarzy.
Poczu�em lekkie uk�ucie strachu, kiedy z�apa� Zahuna za obro��.
- Co ty...
Przypi�� mu smycz i mi�ym g�osem zach�ci� go do wyj�cia.
- ...na Merlina...
- Chod� na spacerek. Chod�!
- ...wyrabiasz?!
Chwyci� klamk�, patrz�c na mnie z oboj�tnym wyrazem twarzy, kt�ry pami�tam od najm�odszych lat.
- Po�egna�e� si�, mam nadziej�, ze swym psem?
Zamruga�em.
- Co?
Ironiczny u�miech wykrzywi� mu wargi.
- Po�egnaj si� z nim, bo wi�cej go nie zobaczysz.
- O czym ty w og�le do mnie prawisz?! - warkn��em, czuj�c narastaj�c� mi w gardle panik� i strach. Popatrzy�em na te pe�ne ufno�ci, psie oczy.
- Nie chcesz? Szkoda.
Odwr�ci� si�.
Odrzuci�em pude�ko, doskakuj�c do niego.
- Co ty z nim robisz?
- Nic - odpar� oboj�tnie.
- Gdzie go zabierasz?!...
Wyszed� z pokoju, staj�c na korytarzu.
- Odpowiedz mi! - j�kn��em, doskakuj�c do niego.
- Daleko st�d.
- Ale...
- Zahun... K�eczko - rzuci� has�o, na kt�re Zah zawsze rzuca� si� do drzwi.
Tym razem nie by�o inaczej...
Pu�ci� smycz, pozwalaj�c zbiec mojemu pupilowi na sam d�.
U�miechn�� si� do mnie.
- Zastan�w si� lepiej, z kim zadzierasz. JA tu ustalam warunki, nie ty.
Odwr�ci� si� i zacz�� schodzi� po schodach.
Sta�em jak wryty w pod�og�, nie mog�c si� ruszy�.
- No ale... Zahun! - zawo�a�em po kilku chwilach. Zacz��em gor�czkowo gwizda�.
Skrobanie pazur�w po pod�odze.
Ojciec przydepn�� smycz, nie pozwalaj�c mu do mnie przybiec. Wyra�nie to widzia�em ze swojego miejsca.
- Zahun! - rzuci�em z namacaln� wr�cz panik�. - Nie zabieraj go!
Wzruszy� ramionami, cho� jawnego zadowolenia nie da�o si� nie doszuka� w jego twarzy.
- Ty...!
Znikn�� mi z oczu.
Doskoczy�em do barierki, wychylaj�c si�.
Podszed� do drzwi, zak�adaj�c p�aszcz. Otworzy� je, trzymaj�c mocno smycz.
- Zahun!...
Wyszli obaj.
- Oddaj go! - wrzasn��em na ca�y dom, czuj�c ostre pieczenie w gardle. - Nie zabieraj mi go... - szepn��em jakby w transie, rzucaj�c si� schodami w d�.
Przeskakiwa�em po trzy, cztery stopnie, cudem unikaj�c wywrotki.
Dopad�em do drzwi frontowych. Chwyci�em si� futryny, by nie upa�� - w idealnym momencie, by zobaczy� jak si� deportuje.
Poczu�em si� tak, jakby kto� kopn�� mnie w �o��dek.
- Syriuszu?... - powiedzia� nie�mia�o Regulus.
Zamruga�em, czuj�c podejrzan� wilgo� oczu.
- Zabra� go... - wydusi�em �ami�cym si� g�osem.
- Syriuszu... - powt�rzy�, podchodz�c bli�ej. Po�o�y� mi r�k� na ramieniu.
Odtr�ci�em j�, popychaj�c go na �cian�. Odwr�ci�em si�, rzucaj�c p�dem na g�r�, do pokoju. Zatrzasn��em z hukiem drzwi, po raz nie wiem ju�, kt�ry.
- Hekate... - st�kn��em, doskakuj�c do ��ka. Porwa�em w obj�cia tekturowe pude�ko, wyci�gaj�c z niego pluszowego, szarego zaj�czka wielko�ci mniej wi�cej rocznego dziecka.
Przesta�o si� dla mnie liczy� to, �e jeszcze kilka minut temu uwa�a�em to za beznadziejny pomys�.
Hekate mam odk�d tylko pami�tam. Towarzyszy� mi przy ka�dej �zie, gdy uczy�em si� rysowa�, czyta�...
Zwin��em si� na ��ku, wtulaj�c w niego twarz.
Zacz��em cicho p�aka�, nie mog�c tego powstrzyma�. Z gard�a wyrywa�y mi si� szybkie, chrapliwe oddechy przerywane szlochem.
Ola�em to, �e kto� wszed�, przynajmniej do momentu, w kt�rym ten kto� nie usiad� obok, k�ad�c mi d�o� na ramieniu.
Nabra�em powietrza.
- Zje�d�aj - warkn��em.
Brak reakcji.
- Wyje�d�aj st�d, chc� by� sam! - rykn��em, jak si� okaza�o, na brata.
Westchn�� tylko, wstaj�c.
Pos�a� mi min� w stylu: "Dobrze. Jestem w pokoju obok... Pami�taj.".
Tylko mnie to dobi�o.
Co mi, cholera, po jego ludzkich odruchach, kiedy, do bladzi cholernej, m�j w�asny ojciec zada� mi cios, kt�rego bym si� od niego nie spodziewa�?! Czego bym nie robi�...
Mocniej przygarn��em do siebie Hekate.

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